You Me and What Changed.

When I first left you, and I first realized I wouldn't have anyone to tell my secrets to anymore. All I could think was why is this happening to me, something that I would never think to ever happen, but it happened. It's like seeing people die from the littlest things and thinking it will never happen to you, until it in fact happens, or someone close to you does something that at the time feels like the same thing. It sucks. At the time I couldn't understand what I did to deserve that? Yes I still think of you, whenever something happens I think oh I need to tell you that, but I can't because I remember we don't talk because of something that was so hurtful and so detrimental to a friendship. Since then I messed up even worse, I have so many regrets, I don't even like to think about. Many people don't know the true story of what happened, and neither do you. During our friendship I felt like I needed a boyfriend to be happy, needed one to get through seeing everyone else so happy. So I "fell" for the first one who would have me. I honestly hate myself for that and I find it idiotic that the three of us made that "bet" for who would first lose what we lost. I wish I could find that again, I wish I could take back what I lost. I wish I could take back my whole Junior year in high school because it is so full of regret. I am finally starting to feel better about everything but it's still right there in my memory and its awful living with all this regret. You may think that you totally understand what I went through, or what I am still in fact going through, but the truth is that you don't. Nobody does. I've been lied to, I've lied, I've made my mistakes and I've done all I can to fix my mistakes. It will take a long time but I'm trying, I honestly am trying my hardest, it sucks that I am trying so hard. I'm holding back tears trying to type this. But I don't know what else I can say, I just don't.
What shorts???

Thriving to Starve

In this day and age every girl or women thrives to be perfect. To have that perfect body, to have the hottest clothes, but main point is body. Body is the first impression, the first thing people notice about you. If you are fat people think oh your a lazy person who hates exercise. Then you have the chubby ones who have a muffin top, their moms always told them they were just big boned. Then there are the ones with the beautiful bodies and curves that everybody envies. There are the people who thrive to be those even though that is not necessarily what they are meant to look like. Anorexia is an issue. I'm not going to lie, I have considered starving myself because I am very self conscious about my weight and my figure. Not a day goes by that I don't think about it. I have tried but it's not my fault I love food. I go to the gym and still I have my curves, still I feel self conscious in a bikini, and still I think that maybe the reason I can't get a prom date is because of that. Everyday I still hold my head up high with confidence so people look deeper than on the outside. If you are confident in who you are, people will think nothing of the fact your a little bigger than your best friend. That's my feelings for right now, ta-ta.

Fresh Start in 2011

In 2010, Beauty was wearing tons of make-up, darkening your eyes to look older, to be more sophisticated. Popularity was giving in under the pure pressure, trying the drug, drinking just a little more even though you had to drive or that you would suffer the consequences when you hit home, hit reality. Style was the tightest, most ripped pair of jeans, style was trying to impress that boy, hoping that maybe he would notice you. We spent our money on stupid things that we thought would make us what? Cool? Well half the time you spent on all that work and usually nobody ever noticed any of it. All that work for nothing. In 2010 we wasted our tears on boys who weren't worth it. We gave up what was ours so that someone else could be happy. What about your own happiness? It went out the window a long time ago. Hmmm I'm thinking that it's time for 2011. A new start. A time to be yourself. Stop trying so hard for that boy who will end up being a douche bag in the end. Stop making yourself unhappy for other peoples' sakes. Be who YOU are and not what people expect from you. There's my inspiration for now. I haven't written in a while and that's all I got.

Behind closed doors.

We judge. We see others and we judge books by there covers. We judge as though we know this person. As though we know what goes down behind closed doors but we don't. We think that because people have new nice things that there lives are perfect when in reality they could be the worst there is. Don't judge people even if you know the situation because in the future it could be you. They probably never thought it would be them either but look at where that landed them.

Hold my heart.

One who truly holds my heart. One who truly heals my wounds. One who truly gives me direction when I can not see. One who truly gives me words to speak. One who truly judges me. One who truly cares for me. One who is truly there through thick and thin. One who is truly there when you have nobody else to turn to. In troubled times. In happy times. In times when you are lonely and just need a person to cry to or talk to. One person whose judgement hurts and one who can see who you truly are no matter how hard you try and hide. One who knows the real story. The true behind the scenes of it all. My love. My Savior. My inspiration. My tour guide through life. I will love you forever. Thank you Jesus. Thank you for everything you risked for me. I love you.

Firsts.

There's first times for everything. First kiss. First high. First lie. First hicky. First drunken story. First fight. Firsts enchant our lives. Everyday we do something that we haven't don before. We only live once so maybe our first could be our last. Carpe Diem if you know what I'm saying. Make your first happen before that first is gone forever. Make it last, make it memorable. Ask that girl out on a date even if you need to explain it. Shoot when the time is running out. Leap when the ledge may not catch you. Skinny dip. Do whatever it takes. Live this life while it's still yours! <3

Love.

Haven't written in a while, lets come back with a BANG!


Love, a word. A description. A chemical reaction in our brains. We think its this amazing feeling we get within our hearts when really its just a mere obsession in our minds. You don't fall in love, you just become used to the person, mentally or physically. I love you. Three small words that can often make a person melt. Three small words that are supposed to show what you truly mean to someone. Three small words that can fall apart in just a matter of seconds. I wish I knew the meaning of what these words were really supposed to mean. What am I supposed to feel when I hear these three small words spoken to me? Something, maybe nothing maybe it's just as easy as saying I loathe you. Maybe someday we will know our hearts true desire. Love is a chemical reaction in our brains. We can fall in love with the smallest things. For some women it's chocolate, for some men it's sports. For me? Well I haven't found what I love exactly but in the future I hope it is as true as they say it is.