You Me and What Changed.

When I first left you, and I first realized I wouldn't have anyone to tell my secrets to anymore. All I could think was why is this happening to me, something that I would never think to ever happen, but it happened. It's like seeing people die from the littlest things and thinking it will never happen to you, until it in fact happens, or someone close to you does something that at the time feels like the same thing. It sucks. At the time I couldn't understand what I did to deserve that? Yes I still think of you, whenever something happens I think oh I need to tell you that, but I can't because I remember we don't talk because of something that was so hurtful and so detrimental to a friendship. Since then I messed up even worse, I have so many regrets, I don't even like to think about. Many people don't know the true story of what happened, and neither do you. During our friendship I felt like I needed a boyfriend to be happy, needed one to get through seeing everyone else so happy. So I "fell" for the first one who would have me. I honestly hate myself for that and I find it idiotic that the three of us made that "bet" for who would first lose what we lost. I wish I could find that again, I wish I could take back what I lost. I wish I could take back my whole Junior year in high school because it is so full of regret. I am finally starting to feel better about everything but it's still right there in my memory and its awful living with all this regret. You may think that you totally understand what I went through, or what I am still in fact going through, but the truth is that you don't. Nobody does. I've been lied to, I've lied, I've made my mistakes and I've done all I can to fix my mistakes. It will take a long time but I'm trying, I honestly am trying my hardest, it sucks that I am trying so hard. I'm holding back tears trying to type this. But I don't know what else I can say, I just don't.
What shorts???